Career Articles

THE ESSENCE OF RELATIONSHIP

 By Linda Schnabel, PCC, JCTC, CRS, CIS

To pen these words is, for me, to engage in another of the many necessary closure exercises that comes with saying good-bye to my dear husband, Armin, who lost his battle with cancer on August 29, 2006. Perhaps for those of you who followed and supported our journey, which began almost a year ago, this article will provide you with a sense of closure also.

It has been a year of extraordinary hope, fear, trust, love, loss, and learning. Somewhere in this mix of staggering human sensations and deep soul-searching lays my fervent hope that true meaning for all we’ve experienced will evolve, yes, flourish with the passing of time.

It was a hot summer evening when my beloved companion of thirty-one years drew his final breath. During the afternoon, lively sparrows frolicked about on the freshly-cut lawn and over-sized feathery clouds drifted toward September. A soft summer breeze entered the open bedroom window as we listened to a classical CD; Armin loved Mozart and I hope now that those sounds provided solace during his final afternoon – an afternoon that, in retrospect, was rife with reconciliation for both of us. I wiped his brow, held his hand, and whispered words of comfort, not fully comprehending that these were indeed our last hours of partnership. In spite of his obvious demise, how could I really come to such terms while he continued to inhale and exhale and words still emanated from those lips of untold familiarity?

When it was over, the doctor said it was one of the most gracious and dignified deaths he had ever witnessed. That comes as no surprise when I consider that this is exactly the way Armin chose to negotiate his entire existence – fifty-eight years of quiet and unpretentious living.

During the days that followed his death, the most excruciating pain bent my soul with grief and despair – the way a heavy rain beats the grass into sodden submission. I seemed to have lost my ability to place one foot in front of the other, to form thoughts that were life-oriented and positive, to foresee a future that would be anything but empty. For hours at a time I lay curled in a fetal ball without an ounce of desire for anything that had previously filled me with motivation and delight. After months of intense and collaborative focus on a war waged in support of Armin’s ongoing life and health, the end had been suddenly and cruelly declared. Every hope for continued partnership died with him, our dreams relegated to a category called “memories.” I was no longer part of a well-established couple but a widow clutched by unrelenting “battle fatigue.”

However, in the middle of this gloom, I began to reflect on an insightful perspective that was borne from a “relationship model” that I have utilized successfully with clients and teams. I started to draw comfort from the thoughts that germinated in my grief-stricken brain. Please allow me to share it with you, dear readers, since we all live in a sea of relationships and try to make sense out of what transpires therein – thankfully, not always death, but other equally poignant occurrences.

I came to learn of this model during my training with The Center for Right Relationship. Arnold Mindell, a foremost authority on relationship systems, is the originator of what is to follow but my esteemed instructors, Faith Fuller and Marita Frijhon, certainly breathed life into it for those of us fortunate enough to be taught by them.

It is asserted that within relationship (whether personal or business), there are three levels of reality as the foregoing demonstrates. When I reflect on my relationship with Armin, particularly during the last six months of his life, how rich each of these levels became for us. What a gift our relationship provided even in the midst of such tragedy!

First of all, in consensus reality, we were called upon to deal with the everyday realties of a cancer checklist that urged us to give special attention to patient and caregiver requirements – the all-too-real effects of chemotherapy, endless trips to the cancer clinic and doctors’ offices. Adequate sleep, food and exercise requirements, mental stimulation through reading and chats, cutting the grass, watering the flowers, cleaning the house – these were all part of our “real” world during the summer of ‘06. Although Armin did not possess the physical stamina to deal with some of these activities, his unflagging support and willingness to “coach” me from the deck were like doses of tonic. How I loved to push the lawnmower past him, give him a wink, and smile at his exemplary management skills. He never lost interest in consensus reality nor did he disengage. In fact, three days before his death, he successfully instructed my sister-in-law and me to make a necessary household repair. This was consistent with his boundless intellectual curiosity, hardworking nature, and goal-oriented approach.

Within consensus reality, we also gave consideration to my coaching practice since Armin requested that our lives maintain a semblance of normalcy especially since he was unable to carry on with his professional life. True to his nature, he contributed in as many ways as he could – proofread a report or document, developed a spreadsheet, or brainstormed with me for novel workshop ideas.

Thankfully, the summer of 2006 was one of endless heat and sunshine. What a gift to luxuriate on our deck under the shade of the mighty oak tree where we could spend many hours in dreamland reality. With hearts bursting with hope and determination, we planned for the day when Armin’s health would return and we could travel to see his family in Germany, spend a few hours strolling through the magnificent forests that skirt the house, engage in renovation projects that sustained his sense of accomplishment and confirmed his German roots. We dreamed of visiting our beloved Italy again and could almost smell the fresh oregano and grated cheese on the pasta we would eat in Tuscany. Goals were big and noble and full of renewed commitment to life and one another – if we could only get through this dreadful glitch!

To his credit, one of Armin’s undertakings, highly representative of a way in which humans spend time in dreamland as it relates to career, was to begin studying the CRS (Certified Resume Strategist) course material so that he could qualify as an accredited resume writer once we survived the dreaded cancer battle. In fact, he was thinking a lot about the changes he would make in his career – changes that would involve our joint contribution to my practice, CareerWorks. Such dreams in relationship are so important since they fuel change, incite hope, and rouse motivation. Without dreamland reality, our final months would have become extremely dark and grey with the heavy responsibilities and “realness” that are inescapably linked to consensus reality in a “cancer world.”

Of course, our darker dreams (or imaginings) also included the inconceivable “flip side of the coin” – the side that led down a different path and was supported by the twin enemies of death and grief. We chose not to dwell in this dream; it was far more energizing and hope-inspiring to fight against our enemy and to simultaneously hold firmly onto dreams of life and continued partnership. We desired to grow old together and we revelled in dreams that reinforced that vision. However, if that would not be possible, we accepted each day that was presented to us as a valuable gift and we consciously made the most out of each one of them. 

Finally, there’s essence – ah, that bitter-sweet place in which relationship finds its roots and defines itself and its players. When I try to identify our essence now, it’s so much more about feelings and images than words. However, what comes to my mind are concepts like a sailboat anchored securely in spite of gusty winds and violent waves, hard workers with perspiration on their brows and hearts bursting with pride, 5:30 dinners with the glow of the sun falling below the horizon, crackling fires upon the grate, and cycles of steady routine and ritual like the rising of the full moon or the descending of an early winter snowfall.

Naturally, as in any relationship, there were bumpy patches which would inevitably show up when a bohemian artist like me tried to “dance” with an analytical engineer like my Armin. Yet, such an incredible mix of human giftedness provided us with an essence that saw us through the most difficult time known to a couple – the shutting down of consensus reality (everyday events, facts, figures) and dreamland (goals, aspirations, hopes, possibilities) as we knew them. Our essence was a rock solid foundation upon which our battle was fought, if not won. We were a team – frightened at times, yet formidable in our resolve to do whatever needed to be done to move from one day to the next.

On August 9th, when we celebrated our thirty-first wedding anniversary, the Rose of Sharon in the backyard was reliably casting forth its soft purple flowers. Along with Armin’s breakfast, I presented him with a small vase of these striking blossoms and an anniversary card upon which were colourfully depicted two human-like cartoon cats, snuggled together on a bench beneath a silvery full moon. Underneath were the words… “We have everything” and inside the sentiment continued with the phrase “because we have each other.” No greater truth could have been told during the summer of 2006! Two cartoon cats on a bench were indeed symbolic of our essence – not only during this time of untold challenge but certainly we had morphed into these two felines even during our early years – solidly joined, complicatedly entwined, and undeniably devoted.

A few nights later, a massive full moon was suspended over Burlington, filling the darkness with glorious illumination and causing us both to remark appreciatively on its beauty. We were like the cartoon cats on the night of that full moon in August 2006. We knew the crossroad we faced could take one of two directions and we knew whatever direction it took, we had no choice but to walk it. Yet beneath the full moon, at that moment, we had everything because we had each other. The moon had indeed become another symbol of our essence – who we were and who we would always be, no matter what the future held.

The night before Armin’s ashes were placed beneath the ground in his beloved Bavarian village, another full moon shone over his family home in Germany, not unlike the moon depicted on our anniversary card or the one that had stolen our breath a few weeks before on the other side of the ocean. However, on this night, I strolled beneath the floodlight of that God-given fixture alone, past meadows and tall pine trees that had been the stage for many of our memories. With the moon as my guide, I reminisced about the man I’d loved and lost, the man who was a product of this German soil and who would return to it the following day.

Since that memorable walk, the full moon has indeed become a monthly reminder of our essence. I will never again peer into its vastness without reliving our precious life together and thanking the Creator of that wonderful luminary for the complex essence that Armin and I created and that continues to sustain me. What I value most at this juncture in my grieving, is that our essence will never die. It is unique and enduring – something that even death cannot steal, as bright as the full moon.

Many thanks to all who extended constant support to Armin and me during 2006 – Mom, Judy D., Matthew, Irene H., Judy F., Nick, Helen, Brenda, Thea, Erwin, David, Carolin, Tamara, Cedric, André, Holger, Irene P., Wolfram, Ursula, Monika, Alice, Richard, Heidi, Ron, John, Mary Lou, Bob, Sharon, Wayne, Lynda, Teresa, Colin, Andrew, Kathy, Laura, Paul, Peter, Robin, Deb, Cheri, Jacques, Henry, Marco, Karlheinz, Claudia, Christine, Pat, Des, Holly, Mel, George, Gerry, Tim, Carol, Dustin, Amber, Claude, Claudette, Ernie, Helga, Denis, Barb, Faith, Marita, Kathy, Peggie, Phil, all the staff at Romet Ltd., my faithful clients, Wendy and the VON nursing team, Dr. Knight and her angelic team at Joseph Brant Cancer Clinic as well as the staff on 5 west, Dr. Martin, Dr. Kumaranyake, and Dr. Lamoureux. May the essence of your relationships be as unique and powerful as the love and support you extended to us!

 

Linda Schnabel is a Professional Certified Coach and Certification Advisor for Career Professionals of Canada. For more information, visit www.careerworks.biz.